Ungrow

Growing up I was the dreamy type. I would watch a movie and dream it a sequel overnight. I would read a book and suddenly become close to the characters in the book. I loved rearranging events with my eyes wide open.

Today, I no longer dream. I have too many chats/emails/requests to respond to. Work to do. Meetings to wake up to.

Growing up I knew there were enough opportunities, wealth and fame to go round. Nobody's ever dimmed mine. When I met very successful people, I saw them as only ahead of me. Maybe by a few steps or a few years.

Today, I see too many lost and out-of-reach opportunities that I simply shift my gaze to things to be thankful for.

I try to not grow up anymore. It is very hard. I try to dream again. I try to see the opportunities beckoning me.

I still want to write novels, write books that have nothing to do with work or data analysis or computers.

I still want to see events with no sense of conclusion. To not have an explanation for what is happening. To journey through each day with a creative mind and naivety.

I try to tell myself that I still have more years than I have spent already and can do all what I once dreamed of doing. That I can become fluent in French. That I can be an accomplished artist. That I can be child I once was.

I want to talk without having an agenda. I want to teach what I do not know. I want to write my deep thoughts, the ones beneath the thoughts about money and responsibilities. I want to have a clear mind, a dreamy mind that is more interested in what can be rather than what has been.

I want to try out new things regularly. To be able to pour myself into an interesting task for a year or two and then completely switch to something else.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the 12 year old me.

I want to ungrow.