When People See What's Not In You -- Both The Good And The Bad

I don't try to understand myself: partly because I spent my growing up years doing that. I read too many Plato and Aristotle and philosophy books and psychology books, and practiced on myself while I was in secondary school and university. So I knew how to dissect my thoughts, actions, perceptions and impression. But it is not the main reason I stopped trying to understand myself. The main reason is because it's an impossible task. I am like a wet lump of clay spinning in the vortex of life. It's impossible to stay the same or change in a predictable manner.

I also try hard not to find fault with others. If I can't understand myself and need to be tolerant to myself, then I need to be more tolerant to others. I don't know how deep the vortex they are spinning in is. If I make promises and fail, and I know I never intended to fail. Then why should I be angry for long if someone else fails in his/her promise to me; afterall I even fail in my promise to myself.

The only negative side effect of this attitude is that I also have little or no expectations -- from myself and others. The seeds were originally sown when I was very young and read Great Expectations and The Children of the New Forest. It's very hard to disappoint a man with little expectations. If I don't expect anything from you there will be very few ways for you to hurt/disappoint me. We will always get along well, at least from my end. 

However, there is a problem I constantly have. Some people see what's not in me. They see the good that's not there and they see the bad that's not also there. They praise me for what I didn't do and they hate me for what I am not aware of. 

I like to believe it's because I have a simple life. Though, my blogging makes it look like a confused self-centered simple life. People like to be able to explain everything. So they begin to extend every part of me they know. They come to far reaching conclusions from the way I look. They build up theories from my unsocial lifestyle. They see an angel where there is none. And they give me a personality I haven't met before. Luckily, only a few paint a devil of me as most think it's my unsocial habits that make me less good.

So why do I write self-centered articles? It's because when you force yourself to write daily and don't have a very social lifestyle, the content you have is basically your life and your work. Then on top of that I avoid writing about other people: my family, my loved ones and even people I don't love. I don't take too serious the things I write and I seldom edit my articles. I am okay with saying anything about myself but will be unable to easily forgive myself if I say something wrong about the people I care about. And that's why my blog is one-sided: focused on a side of my life. The work and boring part.