The Dark Side Of Me

Who writes a blog post about himself to talk about his dark side?
That takes us to the first on my list -- I see no part of my life as sacred. On the surface, there is nothing dark about it. Actually, it is what makes it easy for me to be like that that is the dark side. I hardly get attached to anything. And it has made me a terrible friend to many. My simple straightforward nature wins me a lot of friends but that side of me makes it hard for me to retain them. Only very few people really get to me and they do all the work in keeping the friendship alive. And I have heard it more than once and from different friends complaining that I act like I don't need them. I don't ask for help; I don't call; reaching me is like a gamble. The saddest part of it is I don't know why I am like that and I have been unable to change.

image: genius.com

I don't get angry. Those close to me know this. But what will surprise both the people who know me and the people who don't know me is the reason. I don't get angry because I don't know how to be angry. On many occasions I have tried faking it but it never came out right/convincing. Now you would think it's a good thing. But again, behind it is a very dark side. I can show all my emotions in the same facial appearance. I wouldn't say I am unemotional because I feel the emotions and know what the regular person will do to express them. The issue is somehow I can't express them like the regular person. The practical consequence is some people feel I am ice cold, another set think I am too soft, still another set feel I am unreadable. The bottom-line is no one understands me. And not even me. And it can be very difficult working/walking with someone you can't understand.

I am not ambitious. It's very difficult to explain. And if you've been reading my blog you won't want to believe me. But it's the truth. I am naturally hardworking, I think too much and I want a good life. That is why I look ambitious. I am not attached to my work or the fancy things you read me write about on my blog. I am just naturally a workaholic and like to give meaning to what I do. I quit my job because I couldn't find a meaning to it. The moment I find something more meaningful than what I am currently doing, I will quit again. And what makes meaning to me is part mystery. It's not money or fame or even people. So you can't get me with a promise of wealth or fame or the chance to change lives. I always have my own reason for doing what I do and it's always immune to what people advice or want me to do. And it's another terrible side. I don't have a mentor; I have frustrated everyone who has tried to fill that role in my life. I don't have a business partner because I know that someday for some insensible reason I will want to move on. The only thing close to an ambition that I have is to be a prolific writer, writing daily. And I am already achieving that.

Finally, I don't think straight. Or in the conventional way. It sounds nice to say I think different but the practical truth is that it's no fun to be too different from everyone else. Only those afar admire you; you drive nuts those close to you.