Chasing Shadows

If you've ever wondered how I come about most of my blog post ideas, then you are not alone. Sometimes, I wonder too. Everything about me is beginning to look spontaneous. My blog posts are spontaneous. My entire livelihood is now spontaneous. Every single day, hour and minute are now spontaneous. And a lot of times I do feel like I'm chasing shadows. I keep giving up the things I have for things, dreams I'm not even sure will come to pass.

image: armin.com

I used to wonder what it would be like to live a life that makes sense, that makes sense to me. One where I choose the things I do and choose the consequences of my actions. And more importantly I don't do whatever I don't want to do regardless of what anyone or system says. A life built completely on my own logic. Luckily, my logic is not anti-God. In fact, I consider it built on God. The things I wanted to avoid were the things considered right by the society and I considered not right by me. I wanted all my decisions to be independent of public opinion. 

We all know that would be impossible. Every man is a product of his society, whether he wants it or not. The best he can do is to choose the society he wants to mold him. So I decided to follow that path, to choose my own society. To select my environment. I started by getting rid of the influences I don't want to be under. I stopped listening to our radio stations and stopped watching our TV stations. I only read the adverts in the our newspapers. I stopped looking up to everyone that's doing way better than me. I stopped making a hero of every very rich guy. I also became unhappy with working more than half of my weekdays for a system/organization I can't influence. I wanted freedom more than stuffs. 

I moved on beyond getting rid of unwanted influences to surrounding myself with the influences I want. I searched for people whose thinking makes sense to me and media I feel comfortable immersing myself in. I became more disconnected with my immediate environment and more connected to a virtual one. I began chasing the shadows. I began following ideals. Seeking logic in an emotional world. Aiming for perfection in an imperfect world. 

When people ask me what my motivation is, I find it very hard to answer. The usual things that motivate people have almost no effect on me. Money doesn't motivate me. Acceptance/fame doesn't motivate me. Even doing good isn't my motivation. The people I take inspiration from have only one thing in common -- they lived their lives on their own terms. They had ideals they followed all their lives; it didn't make them all rich as some of them died very poor and it didn't make them all better than every other person in their time. It only made them focused, vulnerable and my heroes. They spent their lives chasing shadows. Like I'm now doing.